You ever get that strange feeling that...

Nobody ever understands you at all. Well, thats exactly how I feel right now. I feel so lonely on the inside. Its a horrible pain. I don't believe anyone I know could begin to comprehend why or how much I hurt. Everybody is so damn lucky. With my life causing me problems latley I have no one absolutley no one to fall back on for help. Everytime I try to explain no one understands. I want life to have times of happieness but latley I've been struggling to find a reason to be happy. I don't expect anyone to truly care about my feelings but please nobody treat me like shit. I can't handle anything now I'm fragile right now (I know I lost all hopes at regaining any of my masculinity). Anyways I have more complaints but i don't want to ruin my chances of people liking me somewhat.

My thoughts on your issues...I guess.

First off I'd like to say that not a single person here is the only one afraid to voice their opinion...at least people think you have one. Another thing is that yes while bashing something is completley rude and hurtful it's definitley not fun to hear about the same thing you don't like all the time. Along the lines of negative feelings towards things if you think it'll cause conflict try to keep it to yourself unless you know you have someone to talk to who would respect you enough to comfort you even if they disagree. after reading your guys blog I've realized I'm jealous. You guys have so much that close friends can only have and while I have close friends I've achieved nothing like the bond you guys have. You guys have your sort of support group to help with problems. I have... I don't know. I never could go to my guy friends about much just didn't seem right and I used to have Terra as a sort of help with my problems. Unfortunatley I've falling away from my close guy firends. I now have only have you guys. Over time I've become closer to the group of friends you guys have but I 'm not quite an emotional part of it and don't quite know if I will ever be. Anyways I don't want you guys pitying me or anything I just wish I had your guys bond...lord knows I do all the time....

P.s. I never gay bash!!!! Just because I get a little annoyed at it is cause people all the damn time are like oh you'll cheat on Taylor with (who cares just some guy). One it hurts because I'm not gay and because the the fact that people joke around about stuff like that hurts. I have lots of insequrities. Also It's because people talk about that all the damn time. Anyways I love you all and I honestly I don,t know......

I'm dead inside and I need help!!!

Latley I've been falling away from everything including myself, my friends, and my life. All I know is I'm starting to hate myself for feeling like this I need love from my friends and most of all Taylor but I'll never get the amount I need while I'm like this. The worst part is I can't help feeling like this , it's beyond my control. I haven't been able to be happy latley and I can't figure out why. I can only hope it'll go away but it would help if you guys had any ideas on how to become happier. I miss the feeling of being close to everyone and I miss being close to Taylor and I need her more than ever. I can't do this on my own but I won't let myself get in anybodys ways I'm not worth the trouble. Anyways deep down somewhere in me I know I can become happy especially with the love of those close to me. I've been really wanting to be close in my relationship to but I can't figure out how to until I'm through this phase. Love you all...most of all Taylor and I need everyone more than ever. I need the love I get from my friends but I also need the love I can only get from Taylor.

Why is all I ask???

I don't get why I have to feel bad all the time. It's not even something I can control all I know is I've been feeling extreme apathy and it's ruining my life right now. I'm never happy even with my friends and I really want to be close with taylor but my damn apathy won't let me. Anyways I need comfot even If I am being bitchy. Love you all.

None(No reason to Title This)

Well I'm really sick of this. I feel empty and I can't find what I need to fill it up for long.
"Just looking for it,
finally found it,
it's all around me but when it's gone things go through me,
a bullet of all that's wrong" Part of a song I think I'll work on anyways more about crap. I honestly need people to treat me like I'm a person I'm tired of people saying I'm dumb, my ideas suck, or I'm not a great person...I know my own damn limitations and no one but me can define them. I need love in all forms possible I believe except I feel I'm falling apart from my friends and the only people who can make me happy. Im tired of my feelings getting in my way or more so my lack of feelings. I want to be happy and loved. Love all my friends just I think I'm honestly somewhat depressed.

P.s. I'm stealing the playlist idea but it's gonna be just for me.
I'll make it to where it does not play automatically so it won't annoy you guys.

I don't know why....

I have the sudden feeling things around here are gonna start getting bad as in happyness will be hard to find. Odd thing is I don't know why. Anyway I would like to say how this week was my worst yet. Not only was I sick and had to try to act fine so I could hang with people my body eventually quit. I started feeling like crap and being depressed. Nobody wanted to hang with me, they didn't want to be upset and so everyone just ignored me,pushed me away and some people just were mean to me when I was down. I wish I had the ability to be what people wanted all the time but I'm not a great person. I just hope I'm not a burden to her happyness in anyways like I think I am. I love her so much and thank her for all she's done to make my life worth it all. Worth all the pain,all the confusion,all the troubles, and all the self conflicts she finds a way to make me happy her love is much more powerful than she'll ever know. Honestly when I'm upset I want to be held and to be more specific have her cuddle me and never let me go just feel her warmth and hear/feel how much she loves me.

Hell I guess I'd have to say...

This whole Hannah situation is getting stressful. First I honestly don't see why she has such a negative outlook on things...but I know people are like that. I just wish she would'nt keep making these ridiculous rants about how she's going to move to a different school, I mean doesn't she realize what she has here. She has so many friends that care about her yet that doesn't seem to be one of her deciding factors(You made a valid point earlier Laura). Anyway I honestly wrote this just to post something new but I do have news or more information of interest. I know someone who likes Hannah, has for awhile. He's just a bit afraid to say anything and I don't blame him with Hannah being so obssesed over Tory. I think it might be good for her if she actually realized there are people who want the chance to love her. Anyways tell me what you think and we can converse about it.

Love is powerful but so are bad moods.

Well today was great. I got to go to someone's remarriage and it was all sweet and I got to eat cake, ice cream, and drink lots of punch. Then I got to hang with Taylor who once again was able to make me unbelievably happy. Everything she has done for me has giving me things to be happy about and things to look foward to. Thank you Taylor for letting me love on you and honestly I hope we get the chance to do it again soon. You were so nice to me and I had such good feelings because of you. I honestly don't know what I do to deserve it but I will continue to be that close with you as long as you let me. I had a great time....if you couldn't tell but then of course my daily dose of hell I feel like shit for no reason kicked in and I was upset because I had been so happy. Sorry Taylor you have to deal with my crappieness and I hope to get better at starting conversations so you're not bored all the time. Anyways I love you Taylor and I love getting to show you.

Well if only if I voice my opinion more.

It turns out i was talking with someone today about Hannah's situation. I told him Tory doesn't like her and some plan isn't gonna make him, but I also understood Hannah's not just gonna stop liking him. I told this person that i thought the only way she would is if Tory and her tried and didn't work out so i just think its funny to see you guys post this just an hour ago(a bit mean i know). I was afraid to voice my opinon on the subject of your plan to make Hannah and tory get together i honestly thought it was a bit naive and could've have possibly hurt Hannah in the process. Mean but i love that you guys care so much about your friend to go out of your way to make her happy, it's nice to know people will do that for you.By the way Hannah's not unloved i know people who have cared about her for a long time and wish things were close like they apparently used to be.

Well, hell I didn't expect to be given so much.

This past weekend has showed me just how important romance is in a relationship. I had been dealing with some problems in my relationship, in that I didn't know what to do to make it better. When provided with some time to be close to "her" we talked,hugged,cuddle,and just enjoyed our love for each other like we used to. Of course some pretty nice things happened and I will remember everything for probably my whole life, it's nice to know there is someone who can impact your life so much and they love you. Hell I'd do anything to replay my trip home but I know good things will continue to happen, I just want to keep her happy throughout the week and then when times like that arise there will be even more happyness and enjoyment. I love you Taylor and no matter what you 're the one thing that makes me understand what trust and real love truly are and provide me with so much joy in my life that carries me through all my troubles. Just to let you know the joy you bring in my life covers all problems I could possibly have and always will. In the end I don't think of our troubles I think of what you've shown me and given me and it makes me feel like I,ve discovered one of my purposes in this world, to make you happy and to continue that on into other things later. Love you so much Tay-Tay.

Just to be read

I know you feel alone, yeah
And no one else can figure you out
But don't you ever turn away from
The ones that help you down
Well they'd love to save you
Don't you know they love to see you smile
But these colors that you've shined
Are surely not your style

Is there a way to be ok???

I keep realizing that I'm a relativly crappy person to hang around. I'm boring,usually have few things to talk about,few important things to talk about,and i constantly keep annoying several people in just the way I am,and it's troublesome I feel distanced from people including those i care about and all i want is to be what everybody wants, but I can't. Unfortunatly I don't know enough about myself to always have opinions on things or opinions I'm willing to share and there's certain things that mean more than my life to me so I can't bear the pain of thinking I'll fail it hurts and constantly reminds me I can't be perfect to anyone. Anyway I'm sorry to all those I cause grief to help me to be ok if you can. I love all my friends and I love you Taylor and always will.

P.S. The reason I won't let anyone post comments is this is just some stupid rant about how I'm feeling now and I'm honesstly afraid of what people might say.

Love has the funniest ways of giving life what it needs.

Well I'd have to say that as far as showing love, Taylor has shown so much to me especially when i wasn't expecting to much(Seeing as i just got injured and don't look the best). Today was just amazing in the end. I was so pissed off and tired and deprived of my Taylor and when I first went by her house I wasn't feeling to great but she stood by me the whole time and her actions told me she really loved me. Then there was my long ass departure in which she not only showed her ability to love me no matter what i was like at the time but she let me show my love back when she didn't really have to and on the inside i believe i felt a connection that will forever impact my life in amazing and loving ways. Thanks so much Taylor I don't believe I've ever shed so many happy tears over anyone or anything. Your my only true hope I have for a happy life and I'll always love you.

This is a sort of post in honor of the most important feeling and hope in my life...love and the person who's showed it the most to me.

Well you might say I don't like the taste of asphalt.

As of friday i have been dealing with my newly aquired bloody face. It hurts but honestly im more worried about not being able to enjoy certain parts of my life i dont always get the chance to enjoy. Anyways I would love it if everyone talked to me normally and please only a few comments about it. Taylor I love you and I hope it doesn't bother you to much, I know i'll still want to be close but I understand if all you want is hugs from me...I'm sad now dammit anyways if you see this there's a good chance you are awesome in some way to me.

Why I'm here.

I'm here pretty much to see whats going on in peoples life that they won't tell me. Evil I know but I hate feeling helpless. If any of you phunk sisters find this, I'm sorry if you dont want me knowing things. Besides that if theres anything you want to talk about personal problems, ideas that might help me(preferrebly relationship wise,although my relationship is beatiful right now i could use help), or just anything try me.