Wow, oh wow!

It's been quite some time since I have been on here. I recently read the phunksister blog which reminded me of my own. I seem to realize that this whole blog of mine was a place to dump my emotions I knew wouldn't quite get dealt with, which brings me to my next post. I am currently in a situation where I care a lot about someone and things seem well sometimes, sometimes not. I can never actually tell if there is any point in my struggle. What would you do if you were unsure there was hope but all you had was hope to work for? I find myself in that very situation. If anyone feels offended by this, don't. This is merely saying that I am struggling to find clarity in my situation and I understand people have their own lives to live. I just hope I can get mine together soon. I have been worrying a lot and haven't been able to maintain a true sense of joy in quite a few days. Well I love you all and miss doing this. I think as more situations arise I might post more. Hopefully, I shall bring some happy subject material to this blog. Taylor btw I love her very, very much. <3 <3 <3

I need to grow with you guys...

I just realized reading your blog that I'm not in touch with your group. There is so many things only you guys know that I don't becuse of drafts. It makes me feel left out and worthless as a friend that is supposed to be part of the "group". I wish I could get closer to you guys. Anyways I just realized latley life has been sucking a long time. Latley I've felt jealous, insignificant,
ignored, insulted, wothless, sick,and unapreciated. I don't know how to make people like me anymore. I'm always feeling bad and constantly struggling and have no one to fall back on...for fear of them becoming upset. I love so many people but having felt like anyone has felt the same way back in awhile. Taylor I wish I could talk with you more but I'm afraid to, because whenever we argue I'm the only one that gets hurt and I can't help it. I'm always in pain everyday. I wish I had someone to tell everything to but I don't. I always worry about things that probably won't happen but if they did I would be borderline suicidal. I miss being happy and am afraid I won't ever know what it feels like aain. I feel like my usefulness to the world I love is fading. I feel over time I will fade away from you guys like a soul lost adrift. I'm so sad but I hate complaining because it never helps and it causes others to feel bad. I love you Taylor so much, and I love you guys too. I hope I can feel better but knoow I won't.

Guess whose back?

Well it sure is nice to be back on here. Laura you lucky person. I didn't have power until saturday like3:30. It didn't matter though I was at Taylors. I thank the lord cameras have timers. Now I can take sexy pictures of myself for all to see. Anyways I'm looking foward to seeing all my friends that I care about again. Sigh I wish I could be with Taylor right now. Earlier we played dress up with IAn and it was fun. I'll post proog of it on face book. I love you guys. Love you Tay-Tay.

You ever get that strange feeling that...

Nobody ever understands you at all. Well, thats exactly how I feel right now. I feel so lonely on the inside. Its a horrible pain. I don't believe anyone I know could begin to comprehend why or how much I hurt. Everybody is so damn lucky. With my life causing me problems latley I have no one absolutley no one to fall back on for help. Everytime I try to explain no one understands. I want life to have times of happieness but latley I've been struggling to find a reason to be happy. I don't expect anyone to truly care about my feelings but please nobody treat me like shit. I can't handle anything now I'm fragile right now (I know I lost all hopes at regaining any of my masculinity). Anyways I have more complaints but i don't want to ruin my chances of people liking me somewhat.

My thoughts on your issues...I guess.

First off I'd like to say that not a single person here is the only one afraid to voice their opinion...at least people think you have one. Another thing is that yes while bashing something is completley rude and hurtful it's definitley not fun to hear about the same thing you don't like all the time. Along the lines of negative feelings towards things if you think it'll cause conflict try to keep it to yourself unless you know you have someone to talk to who would respect you enough to comfort you even if they disagree. after reading your guys blog I've realized I'm jealous. You guys have so much that close friends can only have and while I have close friends I've achieved nothing like the bond you guys have. You guys have your sort of support group to help with problems. I have... I don't know. I never could go to my guy friends about much just didn't seem right and I used to have Terra as a sort of help with my problems. Unfortunatley I've falling away from my close guy firends. I now have only have you guys. Over time I've become closer to the group of friends you guys have but I 'm not quite an emotional part of it and don't quite know if I will ever be. Anyways I don't want you guys pitying me or anything I just wish I had your guys bond...lord knows I do all the time....

P.s. I never gay bash!!!! Just because I get a little annoyed at it is cause people all the damn time are like oh you'll cheat on Taylor with (who cares just some guy). One it hurts because I'm not gay and because the the fact that people joke around about stuff like that hurts. I have lots of insequrities. Also It's because people talk about that all the damn time. Anyways I love you all and I honestly I don,t know......

I'm dead inside and I need help!!!

Latley I've been falling away from everything including myself, my friends, and my life. All I know is I'm starting to hate myself for feeling like this I need love from my friends and most of all Taylor but I'll never get the amount I need while I'm like this. The worst part is I can't help feeling like this , it's beyond my control. I haven't been able to be happy latley and I can't figure out why. I can only hope it'll go away but it would help if you guys had any ideas on how to become happier. I miss the feeling of being close to everyone and I miss being close to Taylor and I need her more than ever. I can't do this on my own but I won't let myself get in anybodys ways I'm not worth the trouble. Anyways deep down somewhere in me I know I can become happy especially with the love of those close to me. I've been really wanting to be close in my relationship to but I can't figure out how to until I'm through this phase. Love you all...most of all Taylor and I need everyone more than ever. I need the love I get from my friends but I also need the love I can only get from Taylor.

Why is all I ask???

I don't get why I have to feel bad all the time. It's not even something I can control all I know is I've been feeling extreme apathy and it's ruining my life right now. I'm never happy even with my friends and I really want to be close with taylor but my damn apathy won't let me. Anyways I need comfot even If I am being bitchy. Love you all.